You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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