I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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