i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize