I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
