i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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