Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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