thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
