would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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