i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
