My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
