what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
