things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize