just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He kissed a someone with a penis
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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