oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
