just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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