I have demons in me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize