her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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