I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
