batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
