so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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