You made me cry and you don't even care
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
