Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
