Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize