did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
