This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
