Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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