Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize