Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
