my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
