She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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