1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
