just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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