I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
