broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
