GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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