I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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