If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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