That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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