i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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