Don't make out with my wife yet
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
