He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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