this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
