yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
