but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
