hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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