My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
