She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
