this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
