If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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