I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize