There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
