you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
