OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
