Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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