my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
