My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
