I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dignity is for republicans.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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