No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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