Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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