I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
