I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
