My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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