Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
