I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
