He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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